John & Donna Becker
Praise God, Donna waited for me," were the words
John spoke to us as he walked us to our car on his and Donna’s wedding
day. They had been through divorce, he had married another woman, divorced
her and remarried "The wife of his youth." He said, "Thank
God, she wouldn’t give up." So, don’t give up. Victory is getting
up one more time than you fall down. Here is John’s testimony.
My relationship with the other woman began about 11
years ago. When it started, I had no intention of it breaking up my
family. I never intended to divorce my wife. I intended to spend the rest
of my life with her, my children and my grandchildren. BUT,
"she" made me feel special and "she" became an
addiction and an escape. She made me feel good. She desired me and wanted
to be with me. She always looked nice just for me. She flattered me and
did little things for me. This was all exciting, especially since it
seemed so one else appreciated me at this particular time in my life. It
also seemed like job and family demands were exceeding my abilities. So,
any escape from responsibilities was tempting. I didn’t know Jesus, or
what salvation was, and only attended church when it was convenient. My
escape from responsibility was to marry a woman my own age, with 4
children the age of my 4 children and to break up 2 families in the
process. Although I loved Donna, I couldn’t break off this addiction. I
know well the song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover."
Donna filed for divorce about 3 years after my affair
started. I couldn’t file, because I knew deep down that what I was doing
was wrong, and I really didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with
the other woman. But, Donna listened to lawyers. I remember thinking the
day the divorce was final, "I really don’t want a divorce, but I
don’t want to back out after spending all that money on legal
fees." So, I gave Donna over half of our assets to buy my freedom, so
I could be free to not be free.
The relationship with the other woman continued with
added pressure to marry her. Finally, she picked out a ring, and we were
engaged. The engagement was broken off a few months later when she found
me helping Donna during one of her walks through the valley. Donna tried
to deaden her pain from our separation of flesh with alcohol. She said it
would have been easier at times, if I had died instead of the divorce. I
had never stopped loving Donna, although I wouldn’t admit it. Donna
never gave up and sent me hundreds of cards throughout our separation,
divorce, and even my remarriage. I still have all of them and they are
precious to me.
Because of my addiction, the engagement was soon on
again, and a wedding date set for March, 1988. I had told Donna I would
take her anywhere to get help to cope with my coming marriage. She asked
me to take her to a seminar in Indianapolis that Dana and Val Hartong were
having. She didn’t tell me the subject of the seminar. But, I came and
listened as they told of spouses who were standing for their marriage even
though they were divorced. They even stood if they remarried. I heard
enough that I canceled my wedding plans for the next day.
After doing that, I had to go to counseling. The
counseling I got was basically "I’m O.K., You’re O.K." So I
decided I was O.K. and I didn’t need to be responsible for Donna or
anything she might or might not do.
A few months later, I married the other woman. I knew
the day after we were married, that I had made the biggest mistake of my
life. After about 4 months, I asked her to leave. Then, I took her back,
and after another 4 months, I filed for divorce. We patched things up for
about 6 more months and then separated for good. We were divorced after
being married 16 months. She remarried 4 months after our divorce was
final. One of the deciding factors in my coming home was I couldn’t
bring myself to share Donna, my children, and my grandchildren with anyone
else. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, "she" could
never be a part of our family. The truth is I was a thief. I took what was
not mine to take, and I gave what was not mine to give. The entire
relationship had been conceived in lies and deception, fed by lust,
feelings of rejection, self-indulgence, a new life-style, and new friends.
I felt no need to even associate with anyone who made me feel
uncomfortable. I thought I was fooling everyone, but I became the fool.
I was alone for a number of months after my second
divorce and that is when I found a new relationship with the Lord. I
leaned on 1 Cor. 15:31 . . . I die daily. I finally realized the only
person I could change was ME, not Donna or anyone else. Now the things I
used to dislike in Donna are the very things that are a blessing to me
today.
If you are thinking about leaving your mate, please
consider these things:
- There are no memories to share with a new mate.
- You are an absent parent; when your kids or grandkids
really need you, you aren’t there.
- You carry guilt for the emotional and financial
suffering of your family.
- You will have problems with two sets of children
competing for your time and attention.
- Weddings, funerals, and holidays are very awkward.
- Splitting up your assets and then financially
supporting two families can be very hard.
Why did I come back home? Because I had no joy or peace
in my life. Praise God Donna never gave up on me, and she loved me with an
unconditional love. We were remarried July 4, 1990, exactly 35 years to
the day we first met. I wouldn’t trade what I have found for all the
pig-pens in the world. I praise God for a godly wife who NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER gave up. My hope for this testimony is that it will glorify
and praise God and that it will give NEW HOPE to you standers.
John Becker
Rockville, Indiana
For some of you having questions about Deuteronomy 24
and remarrying your first mate, we refer you to Jeremiah 3:1 that says:
"There is a law (referring to Deut. 24) that if a man divorces a
woman who then remarries, he is not to take her back again, for she has
become corrupted. BUT, though you have left me, and married many lovers,
yet I have invited you to come to me again, the Lord declares!!!
This testimony provided by:
NEW HOPE FOR BROKEN MARRIAGES
Dana and Val Hartong
24652 Featherstone Road
Sturgis, Michigan 49091 (269) 651-2187 |
